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My dog`s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I`d like it to be.
Nothing says you`re ugly like Facebook asking, "are you sure you want to make this your profile picture ?"
I would like to say to all my 500+ facebook friends, that i love each and every one of you..except you number 371..your a real a@@hole!!
Just drove past the house where I lost my virginity. There wasn`t even a plaque or anything. Pretty ridiculous if you ask me.
I don`t have friends, I have acquaintances and parasites.
Went into a five-star hotel to use the bathroom and now it`s a two-star hotel.
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my phone. 1. I don`t have a girlfriend.
If you think I wrote this status update in the nude, you`re wrong. I`m wearing a sombrero and a candy necklace.
I`m getting sick of these porn sites listing my videos as "amateur".
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately
You make me wanna be a better stalker. No, seriously. Slow the f*ck down.
You’d be more impressed with me if you never met anyone else.
at this point in life I break my life down into 2 time periods B.N and A.N....Before Netflix and After Netflix
Bands who can`t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
I think my phone has a Miley virus,It stopped twerking