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I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"
Do gun manuals have Trouble Shooting sections?
Enough with the lies, people who drink decaf coffee, tell us what your game plan is.
I was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn`t the right answer.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We`ll see about that.
I wonder how long I`ll be skinny from all this dieting and juicing I`ve been doing. 1 month? A year? A couple of ye....ooh look cake.
Did you ever stop to think that maybe vodka is addicted to ME?
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don`t say "Safe in your strong arms" when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
I will never admit to my parents that I don’t believe in the Easter Bunny or Santa as long as I still get presents and candy.
If you need Facebook to remind you it`s your wife`s birthday, I hope you own a comfortable couch.
The only b word you should call a woman is beautiful. B!tches love to be called beautiful.
Is it yoga if you wear sweatpants all day and then hunch over the garbage can as you eat a burrito?
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
During the holidays people have to make a choice between enjoying the holidays or spending it with the relatives.