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Do you ever wish you were a monkey? Then if you got mad at someone, you could just fling your poo at them. Problem solved.
Siri, destroy the vehicle in front of me.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Iron man is a super hero, Iron woman is a command.
Dear alcohol we had a deal where you were supposed to make me cool, sexy, charming and a great dancer........I seen a video......we need to talk.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look. That one is shaped like an idiot
I`m trying to cut back on posting pics to Instagram, so I`m not going to eat anymore.
I like to smile at people who don`t like me because I`m an asshole
I was bored of doing the same thing day in and day out,so I phoned the "Local Ramblers Club"....but the guy on the other end of the phone just went on and on and on!
If history has taught us anything, it’s that reheated french fries are gross.
I just threw a piece of food on the floor of my cubicle. Totally forgot my dog doesn`t work here.
I tried to be a Rap Singer once. Sadly my rap album, `I Respect the Police & the Risks They Take to Keep My Community Safe`, didn`t do too well on iTunes.
If I`m guilty of anything it`s loving you too much. Oh and indecent exposure...I suppose trespassing too.
How`d this get posted?
I`m ABSOLUTELY positive I`d accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.