Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
My wife and I are dieting now… and by dieting, I mean we’re not telling each other about the junk food we eat.
When girls wear yoga pants I feel like a ghost from Mario. Uncontrollably attracted when they turn away, but frozen when they look at me.
The sight of naked cleavage reduces a man`s ability to reason by 50% ... Per boob.
My dog’s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I’d like it to be.
I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "the Illuminaughty".
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”
It`s time to wave goodbye to winter. Guess what finger I`ll be using?
I`m about to eat gas station breakfast. Tell my family that I love them.
They say 1 in 3 people cheat in a relationship. I`m not sure if its my wife or my girlfriend.
30 seconds left on the microwave ~ Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone ~ Men: do the space shuttle countdown
Dear Rebecca Black, you are the most beautiful And prettiest girl in the world. Don`t let the haters get you down. P.S Forgot to mention today`s opposite day.
There were 2 muffins in a muffin shop the first 1 says "I love being a muffin!" then the 2 muffin says ``Holy crap its a talking muffin!"
Half of my life has been spent hoping people don’t see me.
There is a special place in Hell for people who stop at yellow lights.