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Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
I`m afraid to hug fat girls....what if they`re hungry?
So far today has been a pretty good day...I haven`t had to bite or hit anyone, yet!!
May the bridges I burn light the way.
Facebook is like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there`s anything good in it
Is it wrong to drop off drunks at houses that aren`t theirs?
It`s going to be so disappointing if we ever ask aliens about crop circles and they`re just like, "We really hate corn."
I DON`T NEED ANYONE OR ANYTHING!!! (Except for Louie...the name I`ve given this meatball sub.)
Whenever I give money to the homeless, I get yelled at that "they are just gonna buy booze with it". All I can think is ... Oh like I wasn`t ..
What do women say when they are actually fine?
Two wrongs may not make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little Lamb. Maybe she wasn`t that hungry.
"What`s wrong?" "Oh it`s personal" Then, why`d you post it to Facebook.
Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, that chicken had to be somewhere between 7` to 10` tall.
"No, thanks. I`m a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.