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I carved my name in a fruitcake in 1982. If anyone gets it this year, post a pic!
Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts..
AA meetings would be better if AA stood for Alcohol Afterwards
You`d think the nerds on The Big Bang could fix that stupid elevator.
Dyslexics of the world.. UNTIE!
When in darkness, pray. If you pray and nothing happens, I think it is the high time you paid your electricity bill.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Not sure what my spirit animal is, but I am sure it has rabies
You know what would make this Vodka & cranberry better? The Bahamas.
Make BIG mistakes in life. Those people are remembered forever. On Youtube.
As I slowly ran my finger down her G string I thought to myself, this is a nice guitar.
Did you guys know that turning up the radio fixes almost all your car problems?! Crazy.
C`mon Netflix, we both know I`m watching the next episode. Just go ahead and start it.
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna` be a great day.
I quit beer every time I wake up hung over