Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
You look happy. Let me see what I can do about that. - Life.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some sh!t.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I`ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I`ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
If this cold snowy weather doesn`t clear up soon, I may never get in the mood to take down the Christmas tree-
Thou shall not promote Christmas until after Thanksgiving.
Please respect the revolving door speed that has already been established.
I keep graphic, full frontal nude pictures of myself on my cell phone in case anyone ever hacks it. That`ll teach `em.
I know exactly how a bomb technician feels when I try to open a cup of cherry mixed fruit without the juice spraying out.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to `Brandy from the club` then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.
Do good masochists go to heaven, or hell?
Part of me says I can´t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, "Don´t listen to that guy. He´s drunk."
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor`s house is genius.
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
This would be a lot more fun drunk - Me, to everything.
It seems racist that they call it Black Friday just because a bunch of people are trying to get into stores in the middle of the night.