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What´s the difference between light and hard? You can go to bed with a light on.
Roses are red vilouts are blue your moms beautiful what happened to you!
The best part about Valentine`s Day is that tomorrow is Friday.
You’re not in a serious relationship until he leaves you in a room alone with his phone.
Today please just pretend I wrote something hilarious, click like, and move on down the news feed.
I bought my Ex a chair ... But the state won`t let me plug it in.
When one door opens & another one closes, your fricking house is HAUNTED!
"Please don`t do this." - my voice mail greeting
Why is it called mooning when you`re actually showing uranus?
Sometimes I meet people and feel sorry for their dog.
I asked my wife what women really want, she said attentive lovers. Or maybe she said "a tent of lovers." I wasn`t really listening.
I just hope my stalker doesn`t tell my dentist how infrequently I floss.
I`m pretty sure the phrase "sleep tight" originated in prison...
Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid people
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I`d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.