Daily Silly Status

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

I`ve done so much f*cked up sh!t while I was drunk that I have to drink to forget it all.

French people give me the crepes.

A birth control pill a day keeps the mini-van away.

I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.

The real reason I`m not a superhero.... Pockets, I need my pockets.

Have you ever partied so hard that you feel like you may have damaged your DNA?

This week is the 40th anniversary of the Rubik`s Cube. If you kids don`t know what a Rubik`s Cube is, it`s what people would stare at without human interaction before cellphones. Mel

I puked in the backseat of my friend`s brand new Mustang in the Fall of 1989. There wasn`t any social networking back then, so I`m telling you all now...

I thought she would duck officer- me checking the psychic`s ability

Welcome to the obesessive-compulsive hotline... please press 1 repeatedly.

I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.

Studies show it’s totally okay for me to just say “studies show” in front of whatever I want to say.

I’m not always rude. Sometimes I’m sleeping.

My Son: The marriage vows say "tell death do us part", so we are not married in heaven ? Me: That`s right son, cause if we were still married, we`d be in hell.