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Of course I’ll buy a polished rock made into a necklace. I’m on vacation, aren’t I?
When you write misspelled backwards it`s misspelled.
I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you.
Why would anybody put 99 bottles of beer up on a wall in the first place?
I am the undefeated champion of this”smooshing-down-the-garbage-so-I-don’t-have-to-take-it-out-for-another-day” game.
Joggers always give each other a little nod when they pass, just like fat guys in a buffet line.
Folding laundry with a toddler is like trying to straighten a desk full of papers while a fan blows on it.
Car sex is not fun...that tailpipe BURNS
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
I want the job of placing pepperoni slices on frozen pizzas, because clearly whoever has it is now has problems.
People are like dogs: There`s always someone who loves you for you and there`s someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Adding "and sh!t" at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.
I`m paying my taxes with a smile, but they wrote me back saying they want cash.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I’m not always rude. Sometimes I’m sleeping.