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you need a license to drive, but anyone can have a kid.
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. ..Especially since I walked there. :)
I want to give up coffee, but I`d hate to do that to my coworkers.
Hiding from people at parties is my cardio.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re two ahead of most people.
I`ve always pictured myself taking selfies.
Dating a single mother is like pressing continue on some one elses saved game
I`d like to give a big shout-out to all my hard of hearing friends!
“I” before “E” especially after “P”. Mmmm pie
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you`re hot.
I see you`ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Wearing my pajamas to Walmart. I don`t want to attract any attention.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
At what point will this meal make me happy, Ronald?
These statuses are a lot better if you imagine them being read by Morgan Freeman.