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I might not be a great example, but I´m one hell of a good warning.
says, I am not an alcoholic. I am a social drinker. Problem is, I socialize too much!
"Rear facing, pedal activated photon cannon" sounds much more badass than "brake lights"
If you never set it, you always have the excuse, "I overslept because the alarm didn`t go off."
I don`t get personal trainers. I`ve never been exercising and thought "man, I wish someone hot was criticizing me right now."
I always tell new hires, don`t think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you`re ass
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Alcohol makes me worse at everything except telling secrets
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn`t much, but the reception was excellent.
Finally down to my pre-pregnancy/pre-kids weight...well...before my wife had kids I mean.
You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven’t f*cked off or died yet.
I told my wife that I have a sexual satisfaction guarantee policy. If you`re not completely satisfied, we`ll just do it all over again. Guaranteed.
Thanks for the free weekend offer E-Harmony but my wife said I can`t use it.
"You clean up nicely", is just a polite way of saying, "You usually look like sh!t."
at this point in life I break my life down into 2 time periods B.N and A.N....Before Netflix and After Netflix