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I`m at the "what can I make with green beans and cake mix" stage of needing groceries
New camo condoms! She`ll never see you coming again.
I have many talents, but giving an f*ck isn’t one of them
If you give me a phone number or directions while I`m on the phone with you, just know that I`m using my very best finger pen and air paper.
How to make a Vodka Christmas cake. . (Made mine this morning!!!!) 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1......bottle Vodka, 2 cups dried fruit. Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be... sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to
HardCoreStrategy 22 hours ago 6 3? Guys are? in a cafe. The first guy says "I?? have the smallest arm in the? world." The second guy says I have the?? smallest head in? the world." The third guy says I have the smallest d^ck in the world. They all? go to? the Guinness Book of World records. The? first? guy comes back and says I really? have the smallest arm in the world. The seconds guy? returns and? says? I have the smallest head in the world. The third guy comes back? and angrily?? says WHO? T
If you are willing to date an ex, it means that you`re backwards compatible.
That awkward moment when a homeless person walks up to you at a Coinstar machine.
Life before the computer: Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider’s home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy…you just hoped nobody found out.
I have a pornographic memory... Go ahead and get naked, I`ll remember you.
If the people in horror movies would just listen to me, they would still be alive!
Waterfalls are a beautiful, majestic sight as they pour down upon the rocky crags below. Unless you`re in a canoe and about to plummet to your death. Then waterfalls sorta suck.
I made this margarita with my kids` slushie machine ... Don`t judge
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, when I tell people about my accomplishments, they always say, "Big deal."
Actions speak louder than words, unless those words are spoken by a drunken woman.