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My new years resolution is to try to actually finish someth
I ate too much salad over the weekend so I`m going on an Oreo cleanse today.
Why put off `til tomorrow what you can premeditate today.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re two ahead of most people.
Don`t talk to me until I`ve had my coffee, my breakfast, lunch, juice, dinner, and at least two glasses of wine.
I`ve just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered completely invisible. I`m still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself
A coworker just wrote "Retard" on the windshield of my car. It`s taken me over an hour to lick it off!
First thing I do in the morning: Look at the clock and hope I have more time to sleep.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to.
Underachieving Sunday through Wednesday, overachieving Thursday through Saturday.
I run a non-profit company. It`s not for a good cause or anything, I`m just not very good at business.
7.1 billion people in the world. 0 willing to lower their standards and date me.
The text message is the new greeting card, but without any hope that there will be money inside.
I never want to go to sleep less than I do at bed time.