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I’m having fruit salad for dinner. Well, it’s mostly grapes actually. Okay, all grapes. Fermented grapes. Ok, I’m having wine for dinner.
Being an adult is mainly drinking coffee and pretending to be productive.
When the cashier asks "How`s your day going?" I reply "I`m buying 3 bottles of wine, it`s clearly only getting better."
When a bird bangs into your window, do you wonder if God is playing angry birds
My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying ~ don`t run into anyone you know.
Dear American Express, can you raise my debt ceiling?? Thx, bro.
It’s funny that old people need handicap parking spots but they always manage to pick up a penny off the ground.
Have you ever partied so hard that you feel like you may have damaged your DNA?
I wanna say something. I´m gonna put it out there. If u like it, u can take it, if you don´t, send it back. "I want to be on you"
A shark will only attack you if you’re wet.
Under no circumstances shall a call be made to another male after 2 a.m., unless its to get bailed out of jail.
Even if women came with an instructions manual men still wouldn`t read it.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they`ll erase what they did during the week.
If a post is really good you will read it twice. if a post is really good you will read it twice.
Do you want to hear a joke about constipation and dementia? ...Well, tough sh!t, I forgot it.