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3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
A good office manager never let`s you run out of ink, paper or vodka
You`d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car ... But I won`t
I bet Jellyfish are sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish.
I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I stopped going.
It`s funny how you think it`s your cat leaving all those dead birds on your doorstep.
Ok, I admit. Everything that`s wrong in your life is your fault.
Hey I just met you, and this is crazy. But add me on Facebook and I`ll stalk you (maybe)
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
This hangover feels like... I should take a shot.
They told me to never give up. Now they call me a stalker.
If my calculations are right, by November of 2019 my uneven usage of conditioner will finally lap the shampoo and I will run out of both at the exact same time.
The thinner the eyebrow, the crazier the woman.
Is it yoga if you wear sweatpants all day and then hunch over the garbage can as you eat a burrito?
If it weren`t for marriage,,, men would spend their lives thinking they had no faults at all.