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Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a row boat ... and taking the tartar sauce with you.
Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
Apparently, “I had an interview with a better company” is not an acceptable reason for being late for work.
Next time you over hear a stranger giving out their number. Text them details of what they are wearing. It`s so fun to watch them freak out!
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I don`t think boredom gets enough blame for the trouble it causes.
If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don’t look in a mirror, have a child draw you.
You know it´s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
"I`ve never seen an angry stoner, see angry drunks all the time!" Clearly you`ve never tried to take a stoner`s nachos away.
I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes, “Man, you’re such a Cheetah!” and they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.
Sometimes you just have to logout...
I like to gaze up at the stars at night and think about how somewhere there is intelligent life that hates doing laundry as much as I do.
The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line
C`mon Netflix, we both know I`m watching the next episode. Just go ahead and start it.
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.