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A birth control pill a day keeps the mini-van away.
I just want to find someone who will love me for exactly who I am pretending to be.
The first rule of Right Club is that your wife is the only member of Right Club
Video games don`t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do.
My kids are always accusing me of having a "favorite child" which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it`s just one beer.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you’re ignorant and make bad decisions.
I love the smell of a liquor store in the morning!
Even hoarders throw their chapstick away if someone else uses it.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Violence is never the answer. Unless the question is `What is never the answer?`
It`s called NASCAR because that`s the way a hillbilly pronounces "nice car"
Hangry: (noun) a state of anger caused by lack of food. May evoke negative change in emotional state. Translation -- Feed me or I`ll kill you.