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My New Year`s resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.
I`m not mature enough to be in a yoga class.
For a minute there, I thought I had just wasted 60 seconds...
It`s weird how we are all here because of boners
My wife has a thing for bringing injured animals home... I think she should just stop driving.
Sometimes I think "What would Dexter do"?
I hate when I’m alone in the dark and my brain says, “Hey, you know what we haven’t thought about in a while? Ghosts..”
They might as well put "Uhhh..." in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
I`m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
If your cup is only half full, you probably need a smaller bra.
I was only 6 numbers away from winning the powerball.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
Since It`s summer here`s a little advice, best way to beat the heat is to wear a San Antonio Spurs jersey
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I`m driving.
Not to brag,,,, but legally,,, before something can be labeled "Idiot Proof",,, they have to run it by ME.