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why earn money when it comes easier when you just ask
I once dated a meteorologist just so I could be with a woman who wasn`t right all the time.
Guy on plane : So, where are you going to? Me : I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.
How do blind people know when to stop wiping their asses
like this if you are against animal cruelty
Is beer cheaper off the kids menu
My therapist says I have imposter syndrome. But come on, I`m not good enough to have something fancy like that.
The phrase "Don`t take this the wrong way." has a zero percent success rate.
That awkward moment when Adele finds someone like me
Divorce: Step 1: She throws all your sh!t in the street Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
I tried to be a Rap Singer once. Sadly my rap album, `I Respect the Police & the Risks They Take to Keep My Community Safe`, didn`t do too well on iTunes.
I decided to make a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number 1: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes?
I`m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest any of you in despair and disappointment?
I used to think I was good at multi-tasking. Turns out it’s just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.