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People of planet Earth, thank your gods that I`m not in charge of the red button.
Urban Dictionary has saved me from asking so many awkward questions.
I´m the kind of person that when my feet hit the ground each morning the devil says, "OH CRAP, HE´S UP"!
Life would be so much better if there were piñatas strategically placed throughout my day.
My brain is giving me the silent treatment
My tombstone will probably say, "Dead, but finally sober".
I like playing with my dog when I`m high. Because I don`t have one when I`m sober.
"are you as bored as I am?" if you read that backwards, it still makes sense.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a complete loser.
I slept and woke up. (ok, lately this has become a major accomplishment in my life)
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything... Well, my phone number for a start.
i wasnt that drunk * "bro, you destroyed my mothers garden while screaming F*CK FARMVILLE!"*
Today I sent out a text saying, “Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?” 12 people called me…I need smarter friends.
If people who shop at Walmart, “Save Money. Live Better.” Exactly how bad were these people living BEFORE Walmart?
Elevator music bothers me on so many levels