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I used to dream about becoming an astronaut. Now I just dream that there`s still time before the alarm goes off.
What idiot called it "best man" instead of "lord of the rings"
Humans pretend to be smart, but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we just developed x-ray vision.
It`s possible you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
I try to live every day as though it were my last, and who wants to do laundry on the last day they’re alive?
You can`t always control who walks in to your life but you can control which window to throw them out.
Plot twist: name your pets after passwords.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Sobriety and I have agreed to see other people today
Nothing hides your feelings like the backspace key.
Remember before we met? I miss those days.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don`t know Netflix exists."
And I was like “No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi.” And she was all “Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies.”
Sorry I got really drunk and ended up being really mouthy and offensive at your party next week.
Not to brag,,,, but legally,,, before something can be labeled "Idiot Proof",,, they have to run it by ME.