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I once dated a meteorologist just so I could be with a woman who wasn`t right all the time.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
Im pretty sure that my shrink this week mumbled "this is pure gold" under his breath
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Always keep a note in your medicine cabinet that says, “I thought you were peeing?”
Sometimes I feel as though my life should be documented for future generations.
Welcome to WebMD. Type quickly, you don`t have long.
If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.
Today in my local cemetery I came across the grave of Arthur Wynne the inventor of the crossword puzzle. For those that want to know where he is buried it`s 6 down and 4 across.
Does anyone else get scared when a text reads "Can I ask you a question?"
Candy Crushers keep inboxing me saying that they need "lives" as if I didn`t already know that.
It`s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re stupid and make bad decisions.
Wouldn’t it be a smart idea? To make the sticky part on envelopes taste like chocolate?