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If people say you`re acting "really weird," take it as a compliment that you usually only act semi-weird and now you`re totally nailin` it.
This nude beach would be great!...if I wasn`t the only one participating.
Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.
Doing absolutely nothing on the weekends has started to feel more fun than actually going out.
High fiving was the original "like".
Jesus said to love your neighbour like you love yourself. Thats a nice saying but if Martin from next door thinks he`s getting a handjob he can f*ck off!
I`d publish my autobiography but it`s just a bunch of liquor stained pages filled with doodles, and rants about stupid people.
Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even?
People are like snowflakes. If you piss on them they go away.
This is not the status message you are looking for .... Move along
My house is not a mess. It`s just that everything is on display for your viewing pleasure. Like a museum.
roses are red violets are blue da shit in my back yard looks jus like you
Twice-baked potatoes, refried beans, etc.: Damn, people, cook it right the first time or get out of the kitchen!
I have a "honk if you think I`m sexy" bumper sticker on my truck so that way on the way to work, if I`m not feeling to excited to be there, I sit at a green light until I feel better.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.