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There’s a limit of how close you should be to another man when taking a selfie.
When we catch the people who kill elephants & rhinos, can we pull all their teeth first?
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
Every year new words are added onto the dictionary, yet no new positions are added to the karma sutra.
I`m not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
You know what the cheapest meat is? Deer balls ... They`re under a buck
The way dogs get excited when you throw a tennis ball is the way I feel about my first beer after work.
In hell you`re always trying to spread butter that`s too cold.
Some of us are basically unpaid Facebook interns.
Everything is a boomerang if you throw it upwards.
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called " fun size" should really re-evaluate their stanards of entertainment.
This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is `funny and spontaneous`, yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it`s all pantic and screaming.
I will never miss you, because I`m a really good shooter.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V "Tuesday"
You know a woman really loves you when she vandalizes your car after an argument.