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It’s silly how we spend money on clothes when naked is free.
I am not acting childish and you`re just a big doody-head.
A word of advice, stay on my good side. My good side is in Hawaii.
im like the government: i spend money on things that aren`t important, and spend most of my time trying to explain to people why i need them.
I`m not lying, I`m just making the story better.
After much thought and careful consideration, I`ve decided not to do a damn thing today.
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
why me is me ?
My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia, well he didn`t actually say that, but I could tell it was what the bastard was thinking.
It isn`t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine
If someone says “you’re funny” instead of laughing, you’re not.
My therapist says I`m paranoid, which is exactly what you might expect from a shapeshifting lizard hired by the CIA to track my whereabouts.
My favorite beer is the 15th one.
We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch