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Jehovah`s witnesses don`t celebrate Halloween. I guess they don`t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Jealously is something you’re good at when you suck at everything else.
Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I`m driving.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent`s face there is no known comeback.
One man`s girlfriend is another man`s password.
Liking something on Facebook instead of commenting is like nodding at someone in an elevator instead of saying hello.
My life has a great cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.
I walked into SeaWorld with a fishing pole once. I gotta tell ya, those security guards can really run.
Only at McDonald`s do they say, "Sorry about your wait" and actually mean "weight" :P
The worst part of being an insomniac is having to eat spiders while I’m awake to maintain my yearly average.
I`ve been working with this alcohol free program for like six months and it`s really taken a toll on me ... I mean, I`m broke and as far as I`m concerned, they can buy their own alcohol.
"There`s strength in numbers" I whisper to my 9th slice of pizza.
I hate when I explain how awesome I am to someone and they pretend to not be impressed.
Always carry a knife. You never know when cake might happen.
The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.