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Apparently there`s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Why is it called tourist season if we can`t shoot them?
Being able to eat while watching Hannibal makes you more of a psychopath than anyone on the show.
All alcohol will make my clothes fall off… tequila just makes that happen in public.
My friends always use to say, "there`s plenty of fish in the sea." But looks like I ignored their advice and ended up marrying a whale.
I could write an entire book on excuses,,, but I have to pick my grandma up at the airport.
Applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
When life gives you lemons... all you need is tequila (and salt).
Then there was the ex-cop who started his own landscaping business. He called it Lawn Order.
In the interest of improving the workplace, my company has put up signs that say: CAUTION. OPEN DOORS SLOWLY ... My best time so far is 7 min.
Not to get technical, but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.
Wow, that Macy`s parade is crazy! The Kanye West float just cut off Snoopy and said Woodstock can fly better!
COLLEGE STUDENTS: if you`re looking for a job, your career center lists thousands of openings you don`t have enough experience for.
"I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone" -girls who can`t figure out boyfriend`s passwords