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“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
When you called me a b*tch, did you mean it as an insult or a compliment?
I watched Americas Got Talent for 15 minutes and I beg to differ.
If you knew what I considered to be my "best behavior" it`s doubtful you`d advise me to be "on it".
Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Dear alcohol we had a deal where you were supposed to make me cool, sexy, charming and a great dancer........I seen a video......we need to talk.
If I ask my dad to take a picture of me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "It`s the button on the left!"
I prefer to call it a “Ta-Da” list. Cause it’d be amazing if I actually accomplished anything on it.
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks, why is there a light in the fridge??
Sometimes at the gym I`ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I`ll get my shorts on.
Just bought two donuts without sprinkles...Diets are hard!
I am 5 for 5 on popping my trunk instead of unlocking the fuel door at the gas station.
Depression is wanting to lay down and realizing that you are already laying down.
Next on SportsCenter: Where is Tim Tebow watching the Super Bowl and how will that impact the game?
My favorite thing to do on Facebook is to get in a long conversation with someone and then delete all my comments so they look crazy.