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All women are bad for me. At least that`s what my wife says.
I end a lot of my sentences with "just saying`, because saying, "you idiot" is considered offensive.
I swear I heard my dentist whisper "yolo" as he reached for a chisel...
Some things are better left unsaid...That`s usually the stuff I blurt out right away.
My Bills are so big that I have to call them William now.
I`m happy that my grandma thinks that a iPad is for wet and leaking eyes
I`m going to go take a hot shower, it`s like a normal shower but with me in it
Please drink responsibly this weekend and don`t drink and dri......Wait this is Facebook, most of you probably won`t leave the house! ... Good talk!
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
It`s really difficult to find what you want on eBay. I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches...
To all my friends who sent me best wishes for 2013, for 2014 could you please send money, alcohol or petrol vouchers…Cheers!
I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don`t have to save for retirement..
My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.
i didn`t know i had a facebook account until now
Milk Duds: When you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw