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To all the waiters out there: we don`t get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
Note to self: It`s time to grow up, be responsible, and act like an adult. Self to Note: Shut the f*ck up.
If I could go back in time I would put cheese on a lot more things.
Conspiracy theory for conspiracy theorists: Your conspiracy theories were planted by the government to distract you from real conspiracies.
Imagine how fun Pringles would be if the cans were spring-loaded.
Please drink responsibly this weekend and don`t drink and dri......Wait this is Facebook, most of you probably won`t leave the house! ... Good talk!
Hearing jokes is always 100 times funnier when you have water in your mouth.
The worst part about being alone is I don`t have anyone to get me a beer from the fridge.
I didn`t see anyone important today so I`m going to wear the same clothes tomorrow.
I wonder if anyone has watched Storage Wars and said, "Hey, that`s my stuff!"?
Today`s Big Idea: Coffee eye drops.
I`m not saying my wife`s voice is annoying, but right now I`m really jealous of deaf people.
Do short people start their childhood stories with "when I was little", too?
At what number beer are you offically not working from home anymore?
When I am working, I get paid to be nice. I don`t understand why my friends and family expect me to do it for free during my time off.