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If you give me a phone number or directions while I`m on the phone with you, just know that I`m using my very best finger pen and air paper.
My roommate is on a date and said he`s convinced she`s coming home with him tonight. I`ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters. Now we wait.
Toilets are really just fart amplifiers when you are trying to be quiet.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
Imagine how fun Pringles would be if the cans were spring-loaded.
Sometimes when someone appears to be hailing a cab, I go up and high five their hand because you can never be too sure.
Remember…it’s only embarrassing if you care what people think.
I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity. Does it like...propel you forward? These are things people need to know NASA
You are living proof that the Lord is testing me.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
I don`t have a drinking problem ... I`m just really thirsty.
I was just thinking, which is the biggest thing I plan on accomplishing today.
Today is National Fritters Day. I don`t know what that means, so I just went naked today. Gotta be something like that.
in wine there is wisdom. in beer there is freedom. in water there is... umm bacteria