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Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.
+ if you wish you could record your dreams.
Bring a CD into my car that I "have to hear" and I`ll figure out a way to deploy the passenger side airbags
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny and thin. It`s a public service really.
I`m great in bed....i can sleep for days.
That awkward moment when you`re telling the truth, but start laughing like crazy and everyone thinks you`re lying.
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
Plot twist: name your pets after passwords.
It never ceases to amaze me that the little space between the driver’s seat and the center console in my car will fit any object that can possibly be dropped, but will not fit a hand.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth … and drink all the vodka inside … It seems to help
I like to jump onto people`s backs as an unexpected piggy back. but sometimes I get carried away
Why hasn`t anyone written a sequal song to "Jessie`s Girl" ... Where he discovers what an incredible high maintenance drag she is?
Hit the popcorn button on my microwave but none has appeared yet.
If I`m ever in the hospital on Life Support, don`t just pull the plug. Pull it and plug it back in. Basically, see if you can reboot me.
I`m a nonviolent person until I see a spider. Then I turn into Al Capone and "I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND!