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I just took a 5 hour energy and a sleeping pill...LET THE BATTLE BEGIN.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don`t want to do.
Apparently somebody gets stabbed every 52 seconds...sucks to be that guy
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Isn`t it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don`t know what ironic means.
"The truth shall set you free"....unless you are in court. Then you should probably shut the f*ck up.
Why is it that the instant I buy new chap stick, the old one magically reappears?
U still drunk from last night or did u get a new buzz going this morning.
Being an adult is the worst idea ever.
I know karate, jujitsu, judo, taekwondo and 28 other dangerous words. Still wanna` mess with me?
Make your girlfriend scream your name, leave the toilet seat up.
I will be responsible for my actions when my actions become more responsible.
Today everything gets answered by the magic eight ball
I have nothing!
Years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times