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5 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date, today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
Scientists discover that caterpillars can whistle. Am I the only one wondering if they`re concentrating their efforts on the wrong things?
...you ever ponder why that page was intentionally left blank?
It isn`t a successful BBQ until an intoxicated idiot runs face first into a sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
Anyone that tells you money is the root of all evil is f*cking broke.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I`m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Any time you feel lonely, remember, its your fault nobody likes you.
i just peed so hard that I laughed a little bit
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No matter how old you are, If a little kid shoots you with a toy gun, you pretend to die.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed a bottle of food coloring. The doctor says I`m OK, but I feel like I`ve dyed a little inside.
I just changed my relationship status from “left hand” to “right hand”…
Just found my TV remote and a newspaper in my fridge. It`s pretty awesome that society lets me live by myself.
The early bird gets the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese.
Constantly losing socks in the laundry but finding change. So logically there has to be a sock fairy.