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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is a complete idiot.
Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam`s ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks..I`m in public.
*accidentally answers phone call* ... *pretends to be answering machine*
Great. Trapped in an elevator with a dead body again. Well not exactly dead yet but he`s making noises with his gum
Texting totally changes your perception of how long stoplights are.
I had to explain the Goonies today... so I`m feeling super old and bitter.
What if I am sexy and I don`t know it?
At the urinal, please keep your eyes forward and your conversations limited to weather, sports or beer.
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s ass to fall off.
I`m no auto mechanic but I`m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
I`m right 98% of the time. Who cares about the other 3%?
There is only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water lying about being milk.
Sometimes the fact that bacon exists is enough.