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Sometimes all you need is $500 million dollars.
Girls become instant best friends when they find out they hate the same people.
Alcohol doesn´t solve any problems ... but then again, neither does milk.
Sometimes it’s the little victories, like depositing a dollar to avoid overdraw fees that make me feel like a responsible adult.
NERD WEDDING: Instead of saying “I do.” They say “I accept the terms & conditions.”
I always wonder if the people sitting near me at church every Sunday are unsettled by the fact that I take my communion like a shot of cheap vodka because I`m still in a party mode
Getting over body issues is a like getting over a fear of heights. The trick is not to look down.
Being an adult is basically a "choose your own adventure" book, but every choice sounds terrible.
I think today I`m going to cut off the sleeves of my snuggie and walk around the neighborhood pretending I`m in a Clint Eastwood western movie.
Maybe America will believe in global warming if we make it a Snapple Fact.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. -Me with beer, me without beer
I need more people like me in my life
I`ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason
That moment when you have so many things to do...So you decide to take a nap instead!
It`s amazing the things I can remember when I don`t need to remember anything.