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You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks what you like to do for fun.
Some people might as well post ‘Wants Attention’ as their Facebook status.
When you`re out & your cell battery is low: 1) lower screen brightness 2) turn off WiFi 3) crawl under table 4) weep softly til help arrives
Do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don`t have to be there
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
What if Deja Vu meant you lost a life and you are starting back off at your last checkpoint.
If video games have taught me anything, it`s that you`ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss.
I exercised once, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.
Still waiting for the moment when there will be a "add to wishlist" button on people`s facebook profile !!
Whenever I try cleaning my room I either end up making a bigger mess, or just playing with the stuff I thought I lost.
My cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it`s giving me serious ideas, folks
Everyone is beautiful in their own way, your way just happens to be in the dark.
I have found my sleep number and it is eleven, eleven beers.
You know what`s wrong with winning a hundred thousand dollars? ... Not a damn thing!
I don’t drink to forget, I… what was I saying?