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I can`t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
Rapper; "I`m killing them snitches, smacking then bitches, smokin blunts and f*ckin hoes!" *wins award* Rapper: "I just wanna thank god.."
I`ve been waiting all winter to start complaining about the summer heat.
OH I´m sorry! I didn´t realise you were giving me a dirty look. I just thought you were ugly like that all the time!
You`d think he`d be better at this with all the porn he watches
My living room is pretty much a fat camp without rules.
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I`m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
I hope manners is the next cool trend.
If you love someone, let them go, if they don`t come back..... Set them on fire *evil grin*
Paying a homeless man to pee on your ex`s windshield, is just about the most fun you can have with 5 bucks.
Just so you know, when you repeat what you just said I won`t be listening then either.
My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo. So guys, party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!
I`m the type of person who will throw away the manual and ponder for 3 hours "where the hell do I start"
Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they`re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.
People go to the bar hoping for 2 things...to get hammered or to get nailed.