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I just found out cock fighting is done with roosters and now it feels like this 6 months of training has been wasted.
My sex tape would just be called Home Alone.
There aren`t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Go through a fast food drive thru. When they repeat your order back to you, say "And can I get that to go?" and enjoy the confused silence.
In light of recent events, I have no choice but to deduct a full star from my Yelp review of Earth.
I always tell new hires, don`t think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you`re ass
i dont drink any more and yet again i dont any less either
Iād like to hang out, but that would get in the way of me being home and doing absolutely nothing.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he`ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it`s for her is to eat it. Apparently
I legitimately thought I was having a pretty productive day until I realized my phone is set to west coast time and I`m in New York.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy but sometimes I let her sleep instead..
My boys cleaned out my car and now my change is missing. Little do they know, it costs exactly $3.63 to turn our wifi back on.
I hate getting paid and being broke all in the same day!! :(
I just hope people who say "Jesus is my co-pilot" realize he`s a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.