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Thanks to this huge spider web I just walked into, we can now add the neighbors to the list of people that have seen me naked.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
Dancing in the 70`s: I have absolutely no idea what I am pointing at
Hey pigs, stop trying to swallow entire apples. You keep dying!
I saw the most beautiful painting at the store the other day … but then I realized it was a mirror.
whoever snuck the `s` in fast food is a clever person
It`s about time the government enacted a law that keeps dumb and stupid people away from playing any role in society.
I can tell a police officer is gay by the way he writes me a ticket instead of letting me off with a warning.
Sometimes I write "This is a hold up. I have a gun." in the memo of the checks I write for people and pray they cash them at the teller.
I`m losing my mind, but as long as I keep the part that tells me when I gotta pee, I should be OK
I just assume that when a restaurant automatically adds 15% to the bill for a tip that the service is going to suck.
Last time I saw jugs that big, 2 hillbillies were blowing on them.
I need more people like me in my life
If I didn`t drink, how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
Boobs make me forget about all the bad things in the world.