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Surgery beds are basically cutting boards for humans.
Okay, calm down. Its a spider. Just one tiny litt- HOLY MOLY IT MOVED!
Todays hot tip: Boomerangs and Attention Deficit Disorder don`t mix.
Tomorrow, I`m going to open up the time capsule I buried when I was a kid. I can`t wait to see how big my puppy got!
Guuuyyyysssss, never ever play leapfrog with a unicorn.... Its not worth it.....
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you’ve had?
However lonely you feel, you`re never alone. [There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house.] Goodnight.
I`m too lazy to ever write a biography. Story of my life.
I give movies with 2 stars a 5 on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
As My Wife walked by, she said, "NICE PORN STASH!" which got me all excited and I preceded to show her where I hide the really raunch stuff. She then clarified that she was talking about the ugly hair I`ve been trying to grow above my lip, and now, I have neither... :)
My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking. And that`s how the fight started.
Wesley Snipes was released from prison this week. Now he can finally begin filming "Blade 4: Twilight."
Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She`s had a headache for the past 15 years.
Bored? Simply send a text to a random number saying "I`m pregnant"
Never compliment a lady on her mustache no matter how magnificent it is