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Girls become instant best friends when they find out they hate the same people.
Doctors and scientists agree on the benefits of an afternoon nap, yet still my boss thinks he knows better. Ridiculous.
Not to brag, but I don`t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
Sugar` is the only word in English that starts with `su` and sounds like `sh`. I`m sure of it.
The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you
Let’s all take a moment and be thankful spiders can’t fly.
Well, THAT Jehovah`s Witness isn`t going to forget anytime soon what they witnessed when I answered the door.
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who can not be handled by his parents anymore.
Oh, you have a brand new boyfriend? Please tell me more about how you think he`s `the one`.
The only thing I drink from a shot glass nowdays is Maalox.
Somethings are best unsaid but my brain to mouth filter has never worked right.
I`m going to start a band called "Free Beer" because when people see a sign that says "Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM" everyone is going to be there.
Sarcasm is wasted on the idiots who inspire it.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Women- God’s version of a Rubik’s cube.