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Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different than mine.
Stall Cleaning service, Satisfaction guaranteed or 100% or you manure back!
If you can´t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don´t know where you are.
Weird how “news” and “fact checking” are treated like two separate concepts these days.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
The wet spot in my bed is tears
OMG, you guys, there`s a button on this stove that says "Stop Time". Should I press it??
If I had three wishes, I`d use one for boobs. Because I`m pretty sure I could get everything else that I wanted if I had boobs.
The easiest way to escape a conversation is to interrupt the other person and say "this conversation is going great" every few seconds
Warning: forgetting what pocket your keys are in may result in the Macarena.
In Canada, she`s Kilometery Cyrus.
Its better to have loved and lost, then stay with that psyco for one more sec
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like `responsibility`
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.