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Her: Do I look fat? Him: Do I look stupid?...
I hate when the person I Facebook-stalk never updates anything.
It`s Friday! High-five some sh!t!
One person forgetting to take their medication can really liven up a mundane day at the office.
Facebook is the best place to say whatever you want. If it doesn’t go over well you can just say you were hacked.
Why isn`t there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"
What idiot named them nostrils instead of scent vents?
I always say "morning" instead of "good morning". If it were a good morning I`d still be in bed instead of talking to people.
For every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Plus a social media overreaction.
Note to self: Stop leaving notes to yourself, you never read them anyway...
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick. Especially since his name is Mike.
Me and my recliner...we go way back.
Studies show it’s totally okay for me to just say “studies show” in front of whatever I want to say.
If two wrongs don`t make a right, try three.
I’m positive that somewhere out there exists a video montage of me dancing alone in various elevators.