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The voices in my head tell me not to listen to the voices in my head, and now I don`t know who to listen to anymore
that moment when autocorrect decides to ruin you and makes a text incredibly awkward.
So, basically Alexa is just some know-it-all with no actual job skills.
I removed my windshield wipers and now I don`t get parking tickets. Suck it meter maids!
A night of insomnia is usually followed by a morning of browser history clearing
It`s the little things in life that matter the most... for instance the refrigerator light, helping you to see that last beer way in the back!
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren`t happy.
You know that awkward moment when you thought someone`s talking to you so you reply to them , then they look at you weird .
Why is it called mooning when you`re actually showing uranus?
"We`d be rich if you just said one f*cking word" - me, drunk, talking to my dog
I wonder who was the first person to see an egg come out of a chicken`s booty and think..."I`m gonna eat that!"
I got food poisoning today. I don`t know when I`ll use it though.
I hate it when I open Facebook and miss a week of work.
I bought a little bag of air today, and the company that made it were kind enough to put some potato chips in it.
Driving a Dodge doesn`t automatically make you a defensive driver.