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Trust me, you want me medicated!!
I need to re-home a dog. It’s a small terrier and tends to bark a lot. If your interested, let me know and I’ll jump over my neighbors fence and get it for you.
Dear Noah, we could have sworn you said the arc wasn`t leaving until 5. Sincerely, unicorns.
Happy Saturday… the day you can put as much booze into your coffee as you’d like to put in on Monday.
These techno songs last longer than my first marriage
Facebook should win an Emmy for Best Daytime Dramas.
Her (from the living room): What time is it out there? Me (in the kitchen): Same time as it is in there.
Last year I won a $50 gift card to Chili`s at a Christmas raffle. ...... This year I`ve decided my Secret Santa gift is going to be a $14.37 gift card to Chili`s.
The only time I proof read is to see how much alcohol comes in a bottle.
My fitness goal is just to get down to the weight that I lied about on my drivers license.
Love makes the world go round, but alcohol makes it go round twice as fast!
There are 364 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable.
A mosquito landed on my balls... Hardest decision of my life.
Like a glow stick, sometimes we have to break before we shine.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"