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Late to bed and early to rise, makes me really tired and pissed off.
You seem to love cocktails... or part of it.
You know you`ve won the argument when the other person responds with "Whatever..."
Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it already.
The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I’d pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, “Keep the change you filthy animal.”
That Awkward Moment when you Greet you Brother on some random website. Brett to Daniel. sup Lerch!
If you never jumped from couch to couch as kid to avoid the lava, then you missed out on childhood.
Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.
Im not sure Im comfortable with the fact that there is now a bunch of people in white coats furiously scribbling notes behind a big glass window while im talking to my therapist. Im suppose to just "ignore" them.
Does Facebook have a “You’re not smart enough to be talking about politics” button?
LADIES: Not all men get into a relationship just for sex. Some just need a personal chef.
Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked “do you have any firearms with you?” do not reply “what do you need?”
Nothing like working out to make you feel like you deserve that burger and fries.
Last person to like this wins a prize.
When I was a boy, Mom would send me down to the corner store with $1 and I would get 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, some cheese and 6 eggs. You can`t do that now, to many damn security cameras!