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Of all the things I have lost in life I mis my mind the most
You`re the reason I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to goto work.
Wine is just grapes for procrastinators.
Before I die, I`m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
Do you think in the spirit world they have TV shows about trying to make contact with the living?
I don`t always say `oops`, but when I do, it`s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
My girlfriend told me to grow a pear… What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider?
I`d be vegetarian ... if bacon grew on trees.
Big shout-out to slugs! Those little guys are out there everyday, doing all the same stuff as snails but without helmets.
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you’re trying to escape?
drinking 2% milk, wondering what the other 98% is...
Well I just finished up some spring cleaning. Holy crap, owning a Slinky can be such a hassle.
I took a nude photo of myself ... With the light off ... You`re welcome.
My grocery cart right now says ” I’m getting drunk and doing laundry tonight!” And also. “I like fruit.”
“Shit ton” is my favorite unit of measurement.