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I read that a banana a day will help keep your colon clean. I just wish they would’ve mentioned that you’re supposed to eat them.....
You can`t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Someday, I hope to be so rich that I`ll never be happy again.
Why am I single? Answer me. . . ANSWER ME YOU STUPID CATS!!!
When your life flashes before your eyes does that include the black outs? That`d be cool. Like your life but with never before seen footage.
Now what`s funny is "Si" from Duck Dynasty
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very real.
is trying to decide ... laundry today or naked tomorrow
If the cigarette tax is meant to discourage smoking, is the income tax meant to discourage working?
My wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads circled. I got the hint. For Valentine`s Day she’s getting a magazine rack
I didn`t mean to offend you, that was just a bonus.
If a door closes in your life...kick that f*cking thing open and continue to pursue your dreams.
Offering a hobo $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
I`m reaching the point where I really hope it`s not possible to be annoyed to death.
Whenever I hear "let me tell you the truth", I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say "brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want."