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To those girls who always put"CRYING" at the end of every status, seriously what do you expect us to do, inbox you a tissue?
I will do a lot of things but admitting I`m cold to my wife who told me to bring a warmer jacket isn`t one of them...
Sadly no matter how hard you try, you can`t mail a fart. Too bad though, because this would actually make paying Bills a lot more fun.
Don`t sweat the small stuff. Don`t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty a$$ elsewhere.
I bet when Hugh Hefner dies no one will say "He`s in a better place now."
The hardest thing about returning to work after a long weekend is remembering to fart quietly.
I always advise people never to give advice.
If you don’t like being tailgated then don’t play movies I like.
For Christmas I just want summer...
Drunk me would really appreciate a light switch on the floor.
Family vacations: When you pay a lot of money to yell at your kids in exotic destinations, preferably on a balcony with an ocean view.
I just hope my stalker doesn`t tell my dentist how infrequently I floss.
I swear on this f*cking chicken I will never swear again. Oops.
Whenever I hear "let me tell you the truth", I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say "brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want."
Happy Birthday to all those ladies that their men forgot about because it falls on Super Bowl Sunday this year.