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I put mirrors on the ceiling because I like to see how I look when I`m eating pizza alone.
Hey, if anyone needs help raising their kids, come talk to me. I`ve been one for 30 some years now.
You gotta push yourself. Do 15 push-ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat an entire cake instead of just one piece. Burn your ex`s house down. I believe in you!
Today I found a penny. It reminded me of you. Worthless & found in everybody`s pants.
I don`t want to set the world on fire........just you.
If someone`s mean to you, just lean in and whisper "I`m a Barbie girl in a Barbie world" to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head.
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a video camera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
I can`t be the only one who thinks "Game on, mother f*cker" when I see an air freshner in a bathroom.
If money can`t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
More celebrities should donate blood. I mean, imagine having the blood of Will Smith running through your veins.
Think about how much more stressful life’s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
I`m so good, I scream my own name out during sex.
Life would be perfect if: Mondays were fun, junk food was healthy, drama didn’t exist, and goodbyes were only until tomorrow.
I’m bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
According to the customer service, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.