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my ex girlfriends started they`re own website they call it two faced book...
Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life.
Summer is real cool until every f*ckin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Don`t believe everything you think.
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name...
Guy tip of the day: To avoid arguments about the toilet seat, use the sink...
The trouble with children is that they´re not returnable.
It`s so cold outside you can see your farts.
I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn`t stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.
"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it, I better call the police!" - literally no one ever
I want to know what horrific ideas were rejected before they decided "Vagisil" was the best possible brand name?
Spoiler alert: Your `97 Nissan Sentra doesn`t need one.
Is it just me, or did anyone else wake up on the SEXY side of the bed this morning?