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I`m like the stink in your feet.....I will always be with you.
My TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
My wife started clipping coupons to help save money. She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
I`m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don`t want to hang out with you now but I`m still proud...
You left a note on the fridge saying "This isn`t working. Goodbye" but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don`t get it.
Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.
I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number? ...hmm
Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.
That awkward moment when the automatic flushing toilet goes off when you`re still sitting down.
Love is like a rubber band, we keep pulling, someone let’s it go, and it hurts the one who held on.
There`s a word for people like you and that word is "leave."
Why aren`t we letting blind people think that dragons are real?
To all my friends who sent me best wishes for 2013, for 2014 could you please send money, alcohol or petrol vouchers…Cheers!
I always hit the "no receipt" button at the ATM because I don`t need that negativity in my life.
"Have you ever wondered if the $1 bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper butt? - You`re wondering now!!!"