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"Ramen." - Scooby Doo finishing a prayer.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk.
Fun Fact: Even though they call it a "man hole", you can shove women and children down it just fine.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you`ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
There’s a good reason I’m up this late: because I have to wake up really early.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
My girlfriend asked me to send some dirty pics. So I sent her a picture of my sink full of dishes. :)
Their bedroom door is closed. I better walk in there for no reason. - kids
The problem with the girl of my dreams is that she’s never around when I’m awake.
Cars should come with two horns: one that’s like “Hey guys!” & another that’s like “I will end you!”
okay it was me..... I did it ..... I let the dogs out
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor`s house is genius.
Is professional lollygagger an actual job yet?
“Shit ton” is my favorite unit of measurement.
Know what? If they had Neosporin back in 1931, that nasty scar on Frankenstein`s forehead would have been far less noticeable.