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The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
It`s so hard to find obedient minions
If at first you don`t succeed ... I just lie and say I did.
I just realized there are more toes in the world than people
I`m a beer enthusiast. The more beer I drink, the more enthusiastic I become.
I spend 90% of my time at the gym choosing the right song for my workout.
Shout out to old people for graduating high school without Google.
When people tell me knock knock jokes, I pretend I`m not home.
I hate lying to kids but my daughter asked me what twerking was and I told her it was when identical twins go to each others` jobs
I really hate it when I have to watch the same channel for 2 days because the remote fell behind the couch.
When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans." All I hear is "there`s a bear out there that knows how to use matches."
wants to rock and roll all night
I just found out that his full name is actually, Vehicle Identification Number Diesel.
If you no longer know what day of the week it is, it’s time to get a job.
Congratulations on becoming a homeowner! From now on, every noise you hear will cost you money.