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It`s pretty cool how vodka always has such `great` ideas.
it`s not that I`m bad at remembering names, I`m just awesome at forgetting them.
So, basically Alexa is just some know-it-all with no actual job skills.
You drink too much, swear too much and your morals are questionable. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.
If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
I really don`t have time for people that don`t find me hilarious.
When I was your age we had to open all doors by ourselves ... None of them knew we were coming.
Sex, drugs, and candy crush all have one thing in common. It’s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
Patience is what I have when there are too many witnesses.
I wonder when people without cars pick their noses…
Might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery, the odds are about the same
If it weren`t for marriage,,, men would spend their lives thinking they had no faults at all.
God: Is there anything else you need Adam? Adam: yes I want a Sandwich! God: Ok let`s create eve.
I Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing