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Whatever you do in life, always give 100%…unless you’re donating blood…
Teenage girls hang out in odd numbered groups because they literally can`t even.
It only takes 2 ingredients to make a baby. Does that not blow your mind. Like at least there should be some flour or something.
It`s not so much that I have to work that bothers me...oh wait, yes it is.
Turbo Tax might just be the worst video game I`ve ever played.
When I started out, I was young and idealistic, I wanted a Career and to make a difference in the World, but it turned out that I only wanted Paychecks........
Whoever said "nothing is impossible" never tried to nail JELL-O to a tree.
An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Yup, she needs a walker.
I wonder if the two guys arguing over r2d2 and roadrunner ever get laid.
The Patriots defensive coverage was almost as bad as the coverage by Obamacare.
How do Amish girls know if it`s a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular one #DeepThoughts
Don`t you just love it when you see someone who is photogenic, looks perfect in every picture but then when you see them in person you`re like EURGH God Damn! What happened to you in the last 24h!
There is a gym called Anytime Fitness. I choose 2030.
When I`m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
After socializing and being nice to people all day it`s nice to sit down, drink by myself, and be an a$$hole on the Internet.