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On a scale from 0 to insane, I`m Batman!
I`m trying to live healthier......but I`m considering taking up cigars, since they`re still the coolest way to light dynamite fuses.
I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
I can`t wait for a empty Christmas wrapping paper tube to bonk someone over the head with!
Apparently "I`ll break your god damn legs" isn`t the problem solving skills that employers are looking for, at least according to HR anyway.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I`ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Does all this status updating make my ego look fat?
You think I’m mean? If only you knew what I say in my head.
This Christmas, if you plan on jingling, please jingle ALL the way. Nobody likes or respects a half a$$ jingler.
Boss just announced she is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.
*during sex,I suddenly stop moving* Her: What are you doing? Me: SHHHHH It`s ok...I saw this on Pornhub, It`s called Buffering!
roses are red, violets are blue, god made everyone beautiful, what the hell happened to you?
Mini M&M`s - for when you just can`t finish an entire M&M