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According to my nipples, summer is over
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Mrs Bieber.... WHY U NO USE CONDOM?
I DON`T UNDERSTAND IT! WHY THE F*CK WOULD SOMEBODY BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON - Never mind, I found it.
“Are you completely sure this isn’t textable?” -the perfect voicemail prompt.
I love Alfredo sauce ... Unless you`re a dude named Alfredo.
My workout plan really only consists of me wandering around in parking lots because I forgot where I parked...
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Half of my day is just me screaming profanities at an electronic device.
I`ll never forget the first time I saw a dry erase board, "Wow" I thought, "that`s remarkable"
GOOGLE must be a woman because it knows everything.
Some girls post the most depressing love sh!t that even I`m starting to miss their ex!!!
Missed connection: you were washing your car in a bathing suit. I rode past your house 78 times. You threw a rock at me.
It`s not stalking if you love them!
Some people come into your life as blessings, others come into your life as lessons.