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My superpower is making people laugh ... Which would be great if I was trying to be funny
I`ll call it a "smart phone" the day I yell, "Where`s my freaking phone?!" and it answers, "I`m here! Under your jacket!"
Hard butter is the devil.
When a porn actress is rude at a restaurant, there`s really nothing the staff can put in her food for revenge.
One advantage of growing old is you don`t have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.
When grown-ups tell kids they have a lot of energy, they really mean that they’re being annoying little bastards.
North Korea no!, really, go home! now you are really drunk!
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate.
May have put up a few too many Christmas lights. A 747 just landed in the backyard.
You’ll never get the same results running in place as you will running from a lion.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
The only honest people in the world are small children and me after a couple cocktails.
The best time to re-examine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
Going to make pizza for dinner!! Ingredients Required: Phone, Menu & Credit Card.. Ohhh I can smell it cooking already!! ;)
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention Morons!