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I`m thinking of changing my voicemail to the following: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me."
If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".
+ if you wish you could record your dreams.
I tried yoga once, but we called it Twister
If your pillow fort hasn’t got an armory filled with Nerf guns, then you’re not really taking pillow forting as seriously as you should be.
A sign on the wall of the drug store said, "Ask the pharmacist if you have questions." How would the pharmacist know if I have questions?
"Wife dragged me to this theater. Somebody shoot me." -Abraham Lincoln`s last Tweet.
A graham cracker is just a white dude selling coke in the ghetto.
I love asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because I`m still looking for ideas.
So I harvested my tomato today, it`s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
I`m often a little confused when people call me insane because, to be honest, I`m still just warming up.
I can’t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
Iwent to Office Max to buy a drawing board, but they were sold out. I guess it`s back to the....oh rats...
According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid...
You´d be amazed how often I´m wrong when people say guess what