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I put on my pants like everyone else. Right after the security guard in Target says "Sir, we`re going to have to ask you to leave."
Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.
Some people just need sympathetic pat.........on the head........with a hammer
I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans - "Free nights and weekends."
It`s like my kids don`t even believe how cool I was in the 80s.
Chocolate comes from Cocoa, which is a tree. That makes cocoa a plant….chocolate is a salad.
I am not judging you...I already decided I don`t like you
Shoutout to this ATM fee for making me buy my own money.
i hope your life is as long and useful as this roll of toilet paper!!!
I named my dog "5 Miles" so I can tell people, "I walk 5 Miles every day"
All my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Babies are really cute until you meet one that`s not a picture.
When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don’t have if they are asking me for advice.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.
Would you like a push on that mood swing of yours?