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Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like Facebook in real life.
Professor X can move anything with his mind... except his legs.
Just checked my Farmville for the first time in 2 years... It`s now a Walmart.
Apparently, when asked "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin` large ones" is not the correct answer.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
My Ex updated her status to "standing on the edge of a cliff" So I "poked" her!
I thought I was feeling a little bloated today, turns out I had my underwear on backwards.
Dude, next time you wanna wave at me, please use more than one finger.
I`ll bet I`m the only one in this grocery store with "sh!t for tacos" on my shopping list.
I understand vampires being invisible in mirrors, but what the hell happens to their clothes?
I really think there should be a separate driving lane for those of us running solely on caffeine and rage.
No one has ever been in an empty room.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him. Must get that from his mother.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets!
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.