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I`ve done so much f*cked up sh!t while I was drunk that I have to drink to forget it all.
A person who says they will never lie to you is probably lying already.
Never do I feel as lazy and rude as when someone else in the room is vacuuming.
Dear therapist, I might actually come see you if your job title didn`t spell out “the rapist” Sincerely, not lying down.
There is really no way of knowing how many chameleons are in the room right now.
I`m just chilling tonight with my new plane ... Oops, I`ve said too much.
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to .... unless your in prison!!!
The best thing about being single is all the sleeping around you can do…I can sleep all over my bed!
Going to write hasbro a nasty letter!!! The monopoly get out of jail free card doesn`t work...since I`m texting you can you come bail me out?
Girls are a lot like oceans, beautiful and deep, but once a month, it`s shark week.
I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.
Do the people inside mascot costumes also smile when they have their photos taken?
I`ve finally decided to do something about my weight. Lie.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, when I tell people about my accomplishments, they always say, "Big deal."
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.