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+ if you wish you could record your dreams.
You can look at some people and instantly know they’re only going to get two awards in life, a birth and a death certificate.
I have a coffee table in my house. It`s decaffeinated but you would never know it by looking at it.
Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you’re nuts.
I`m gonna surprise my hand with some sex tonight!
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don`t have mixed tapes anymore?
Watching MTV Cribs makes me feel better about downloading music off the internet.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer !
Sometimes I feel like a loser for spending so much time on Facebook. Then I remember there are people out there who comment on pornhub videos
This silly farmers market doesn`t have any locally grown pizza.
You can´t trust dogs to watch your food.
Last week a 13-year-old girl became the youngest female to climb Mount Everest. She didn’t mean to. She was just texting her friend and the next thing she knew she was on top of Mount Everest.
My wife treats me like a God…She takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something.
It’s called a “remote” because those are your odds of finding it when you want to change the channel.
Sometimes when you first meet someone you just know you want to spend the rest of your life ... Avoiding them