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There`s a difference between having a unique name and a common name that`s spelled wrong.
A good lawyer knows the law. An excellent one knows the judge.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Screw Folgers, the best part of waking up is knowing I survived last night`s drinking.
Don`t tell me I have to say "Happy Holidays" so nobody gets offended. I will "Merry Christmas" the sh!t out of you.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it´s still on the list.
Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo? Who has hair on their shoulders? Who`s shampooing their shoulder hair? ... please come forward.
Man I wanna throw a book at someones face and be like "I Facebooked you!"
Whenever I tell the cashier to ‘keep the change`, it takes everything in my power not to call them a filthy animal.
Sometimes you have to photoshop your life. Touch up edges, adjust the tones, blur the background, focus on yourself & crop some people out.
Divorce... The most common home improvement project.
Today is boozeday, I mean Tuesday...same difference!
Guess it`s time to get to the part of the day I hate... the part which requires pants.
I spent the first 20 minutes of 2014 looking for the remote.
You`re annoying, but honestly, I`ve been annoyed by better.