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A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter`s school concert.
Guys... If the girl your getting down with doesn`t even have time to fake an orgasm..... It`s prob best you just make your sandwich
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I`d be like "Sit your translucent a$$ down, I have a lot of questions!"
Dear New Years Resolutions People; You don`t have to wait for the New Year to get your sh*t together and become a better person.
I`m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out I`ll pop open the red and drink that.
All I`m saying is you don`t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
I know alcohol isn`t the answer, but it`s my best guess.
Chapstick is an entire industry based on you losing the product and buying more.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Dr. Seuss could have been the greatest rapper ever.
I make a great second impression.
Hey,,,, I said I`d be there in 10 minutes... Quit calling me every half hour.
If you`re looking for happiness, walk to your nearest liquor store.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says "welcome"...
I say No to drugs but they... won`t listen.