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Can`t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
If you watched a person cut a piece of wood, would that be sawed or seen?
All I`m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us. But, whatever, be that way.
Things I`ve learned: There`s no cool way to chase after a bouncing ping-pong ball.
Earlier this morning, I was invited to join a XXX facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really big shirts.
I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance! ..By driving away and not leaving a note.
I was planning to do something today, but I haven’t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
Lesson Learned: I poured bleach on the asshole that cut me off at the self-checkout. According to the cop, I misunderstood asshole bleaching.
My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation." That wasn`t a very nice postcard to receive.
Every girl is beautiful, sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it....
The little piggy who went to market... wasn`t going shopping. Wrap your mind around that for a moment.
I think I really have an amazing butt, every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say,"what an a$$.."
Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it’s my modesty that stands out.
Why isn`t cat food made from birds, mice and squirrels??
When sitting directly across from someone also using a laptop, I can`t stop myself from telling them, "you sunk my battleship!"