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I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I`m checking Facebook and not taking pictures.
Not all country music is terrible. If you can get past the lyrics about trucks, mud, farms and cows... It`s actually not too bad.
Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m being possessed by the devil is not funny.
Actually according to chemists, alcohol IS a solution…
If history repeats itself then I am SO getting a dinosaur.
As soon as you think “maybe I can get up early and just finish it tomorrow” you’ve already lost.
Some mornings it`s best to just fill the sink with coffee, dunk your head in it, and suck.
Lord please give me the strength not to go all Dexter on this mother f%#*er ... Amen
Why is it when I flush the toilet in the middle of the night, I have a feeling I woke up the entire neighbourhood?
It’s been “one of those days” for like 3 years now.
I fear the day when our kids would look at old you tube videos of us doing the Harlem Shake and Gangnam Style and think what a retarded generation ours was.
Do you guys remember 10 years ago, when all the people with gluten allergies were dying in the streets like diseased cattle?
She lost me at, "I don`t watch football."
You can`t be late until you show up
Days that I don’t have to care about my appearance are my favorite days.