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I like the parts of the day when food happens.
Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
Why is there a show called “When animals attack”? It should be called “When stupid people go near dangerous animals.”
I`m only a morning person on December 25th
Paint thinner? I call bullsh!t. I been painting myself with it all week and I`m still fat.
Even if girls came with instructions, men would never read them.
When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask.That`s why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.
I need an emoticon that’s stabbing another emoticon in the eye with a pen while repeatedly punching it in its little emoticon balls.
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn`t have couches at this Best Buy.
I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.
Stop calling them rednecks. The term is NASCAR-Americans. Y`all.
You`re never too old to ride in a radio flyer wagon but apparently you can be too fat.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Laughter is the best medicine, but if you are laughing for no reason, you might need medicine.