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I look forward to the day that cell phone technology finally catches up with technology in digital watches and they release a model that is water resistant up to 100 meters.
My wife didn`t appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I`m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I can not change.
Don`t be scared of the government shutdown, liquor stores are run by the states.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I`m sexy!" Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Nice try "Private Caller", but I wont`t answer even if I know you.
If you had to choose between your girlfriend or GTA 5 which character would you play as first?
Let`s be honest, Dos Equis. After a bunch of ANY beer, what guy DOESN`T think he`s the most interesting man in the world?
To skip any youtube ad just change ‘youtube’ to ‘youtubeskip’ in the url of any video. You’re welcome.
Guys would stay home longer if boobs came in a 30 pack.
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and thats were I sleep...
You care so much about me? Keep that sh*t to yourself i got my demons under control
Next time I`m on an elevator with four or more strangers, I`m going to turn around and say, "I`m sure you`re wondering why I`ve gathered you all here."