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I donate blood 5 times a year just so I`m less and less related to some of my relatives.
+ if you wish you could record your dreams.
I’m right 97% of the time…who cares about the other 4%.
I hate it when 18 wheelers blow their horns while Im driving, that sh*t wakes me up!
If a dentist makes his money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
I’ve already decided, if I ever go to The Price Is Right, I’m gonna “come on down” whether they call my name or not.
Too bored to do nothing. Too lazy to do anything.
Sometimes bigger is just heavier
Billion dollar idea: A phone that charges using body fat!
Awww, look. My middle finger likes you!
While wearing a bikini you show 90% of your body -But men are so polite, that they stare only at the covered places.
My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I can`t figure out why everyone calls me a smart-ass. Is it because I`m smart and have a great ass?
Friends are like boobs. Some are real, some are fake