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President Obama says his daughters need minimum wage jobs to "learn what it means to work." May I suggest the same for members of Congress?
My doctor asked me if I drink to excess. I told him I would drink to anything.
I wanted to say thank you to all the people who gave me a reason to drink this Friday night.
Yeah, you go ahead and climb that mountain "because it`s there", I am going to eat this Pizza "because it`s here"................................
If we aren`t supposed to be too close to the microwave then why do they show us food twirling around in there?
Being a vegetarian is hard at first but after a month or so you get used to telling everyone you`re a vegetarian.
Me asking if you want anything from Starbucks is my way of telling you I am going to be very, very late
The nice thing about being single is when you`re setting the silverware, it doesn`t matter which side you put the remote on.
There are four main food groups: 1. Canned 2. Frozen 3. Fried 4. Drive-thru
It`s a bad sign when your credit card bill has a comma and your bank statement doesn`t!
When one door closes another one opens. Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work.
The ultimate home security system is just having crappy stuff.
"I`ve had so much coffee, I got halfway to work and realized I forgot my car."
Sometimes I think hip hop music gets a bad rap.
I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping. Unfortunately it cost me my YMCA membership.