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I’d like to think I’ve taught Citibank a valuable lesson about handing out credit cards all willy-nilly.
Boss: "Thanks for the coffee. You know what`d go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a donu...Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"
Note to self... next time my wife asks what`s on tv, don`t say dust
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you have incriminating evidence.
Was shopping when a small child riding shotgun in a shopping cart yelling "why you ain`t got no babies?"I bet my father in law paid her
It must really suck to take life so seriously that you can’t enjoy it.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Plot twist: name your pets after passwords.
“People will believe anything if you whisper it.”
People who say "Don`t mix drugs with alcohol"" ... they`re stupid, right?
Irresponsible is when your neighbor doesn`t pay their wifi bill.
I`m old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.
I`ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
I`m not real excited that the wrapping on my toilet paper said `100% Recycled`.