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I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
My inner self is in Photoshop
I won the Twister contest hands-down.
Say what you want about Captain Hook, but he ran that entire pirating operation singlehandedly.
Dear future boyfriend/girlfriend, where the hell are you?
I just found a piece of pizza in my trash can. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!! WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING!!
Wife: give me money I want to buy a bra. Husband: you`ve got nothing to put in them. Wife: you wear shorts
My wife asked about my wildest sex fantasy, but she got pissed when I told her. I probably shouldn’t have started w/ “After your funeral...”
I puked in the backseat of my friend`s brand new Mustang in the Fall of 1989. There wasn`t any social networking back then, so I`m telling you all now...
Did the Energizer Bunny finally stop going and going, and none of us even noticed it?
Monday: A terrible way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Office thermostats only have 2 settings: hell fire and hypothermia.
Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is go to bed.
Laughing is the best medicine. But if you’re laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.