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Life is harder for the beautiful people. I’m sorry you’ll never know.
You look over-medicated. What`s your doctor`s name?
Some marriages end up fine, the others last forever.
Still don`t understand why you can`t end a company-wide email with, `Later b*tches.`
Relationships are like bathrooms. I`m in them a lot longer than I need to be, probably cause I`m playing on my phone the whole time.
I feel sorry for historians, they have such a hard time letting go of the past.
"I like your tree`s earring." ... "That`s a tire swing."
Dear YouTube, I will always “Skip this ad.”
My new year`s resolution is to stop making new year`s resolutions.
If you ever get caught sleeping during work, just slowly raise your hand and say "In Jesus name I pray, Amen."
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority.
Do strippers have nightmares where they are in front of a large crowd with their clothes on?
If my house is clean, it means that Facebook is not working.
Right now my glass is half empty...Hey Bartender!!!
Don`t judge a person for drinking; judge a person for not drinking. Those f*ckers are up to something.