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You look happy. Let me see what I can do about that. - Life.
I don’t understand how my house gets so messy when I literally sit in one spot with my phone all day.
Just think about all the stuff you aren`t thinking about.
Whenever our neighbor`s dog is barking, I know there`s either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.
I go to a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Sometimes when I`m bored, I pick out a girl from my list of FB friends that I`ve never actually met and then go back on her timeline and like every single post she made in like 2009......That should freak her out a bit...
If kids are so wonderful why do you have to pay people to watch them?
Although no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
That awkward moment when the woman your dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, and you realize she`s just lost an earring and nobody in Starbucks can hear your iPod...
I am proud to say that I have completed the 1st item on my bucket list... I got the bucket
I`ve officially met everyone`s mother yesterday via Facebook so I`m pretty sure that takes me out of the friend zone here ladies
Side effects of telling your wife to get a grip may include throat bruising or testicular swelling.
I`m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
I`m just 1 nap, 8 beers, 2 orgasms and my own personal robot away from this being the best day ever.
Ever notice that no one ever has three cats? They either have one or two cats, then it jumps to 17.