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Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who the heck is giving them medical attention?!
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it`s a website to find love. So I was close.
Testing.. Testing.. This is a test. If this were an actual ploy for attention.. I would`ve said "bacon" or "boobies."
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re a terrible person and had it coming.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Boss: "Thanks for the coffee. You know what`d go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a donu...Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Did you know that running for just 10 minutes a day raises your risk of posting inspirational quotes by 63%?
One great thing about life before the internet was if you met someone, you didn`t then have to know them the rest of your life.
Woke up to gun shots this morning. Luckily my wife has horrible aim.
The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase Regards again.
I`m great in bed" ~ breakfast
Whenever I tell the cashier to ‘keep the change`, it takes everything in my power not to call them a filthy animal.
Why is it when I flush the toilet in the middle of the night, I have a feeling I woke up the entire neighbourhood?
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor’s trash so you don’t get robbed.