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Nothing is as scary as logging into Facebook and seeing someone you were secretly with last night has uploaded a new album.
Funniest thing ever heard on TV. "Ward, you were a little hard on the Beaver last night"
this one time I was in a bush, and this squirrel was like hey, and I was like hey you can`t talk to me your a squirrel and he was like yea I know lmao
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren`t in the database.
Don`t be sad laundry, nobody`s doing me either.
Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall ... I plan on sticking to it.
Dear Carly Simon, Yes I am so vain that I do think that song is about me.
Everyone, please... a moment of silence for all my married friends who have a shared Facebook account.
Immature is just a word boring people use to describe fun people.
You know it`s a really good bar when there`s a couple outside breaking up.
On cold mornings like this I just tell outrageous lies and hope my pants catch fire.
Keep it up and I`ll make sure u end up on a milk carton.
Doing something weird and thinking “this is why I’m single”.
Just once, I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f*ck..."