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Probably the most exciting feature on the new Iphone is the way it upgrades simple phone theft into full on finger removal.
Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?
Do you ever wonder how many people’s dreams you have been in?
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Everyday I run into someone who pushes me past the limits of my medication.
Marriage: where all the excitement, laughter and sex is gone but she’s still there.
I don`t know if my stomach is growling cuz I`m hungry or if that`s my liver crying cuz it`s the weekend.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won`t send my dog to obedience school
Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you`ll never go back" episode of Mythbusters.
Whoever said "What goes around, comes around", never passed around a bag of Doritos......................
Whenever you feel nobody cares or loves you. You should ask yourself...Am I TOO sexy?
Where is the button to restart summer?
It takes patience to listen. It takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
A morning text from me doesn`t mean "good morning". It means "I`m having very dirty thoughts about you right now".
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.