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is on a Mission. The magic leprechaun told me to follow the pink racehorse to the rainbow where the orange elephant is holding my skittles hostage
Is it rude to throw a breath mint in someone`s mouth while they are talking?
I saw a chameleon today. I guess it was a pretty crappy chameleon.
There is no harm in imitating a porn movie. But stopping in between because you are imitating the buffering part (!), is unacceptable.
I`m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.
I can`t decide what`s more embarrassing - the fact that I still live out of a suitcase, or that I`m a professional ventriloquist dummy.
I`m looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data
I would like to thank you people for letting me know its Friday every week. Its thoughts like this that keep me on Facebook.
boss- "You cant drink while your at work!" .. me- "Oh dont worry im not working!!"
The trouble with jogging is, that by the time you realize you`re not in shape, it`s too far to walk back.
You´re never too old to learn something stupid.
I like how Reese`s come with two peanut butter cups in the package. That way I can eat one now and then the other one right afterwards.
I wish that just once, the clerk would just put the Monopoly money in the drawer and hand me a receipt
Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for "Race," I add a question mark and then write, "Anytime. Anywhere."
On the plus side of 2017, the use of the words `awesomesauce` and `amazeballs` were at an all time low.