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I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Just dropped part of a cookie into my printer, so I hit "copy"
They say love is more important than money. I`d like to see them go and try to pay their bills with a hug.
Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri, "What do women want?" She`s been talking for the last 2 days and doesn`t seem ready to shut up anytime soon.
There is no such thing as a dirty mind. Just a sense of humor with adult content.
Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the heck.
My brother didnt take kindly to jail. He refused food & drink, and smeared feces on the walls. That`s the last time we`re playing Monopoly.
MY 8 YEAR OLD: "Walrus testicles are called walnuts."
It`s been scientifically proven that originally there were only five fruit cakes ever made!
Instead of “single” as a relationship option, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Today I learned that not all people like ventriloquists. Particularly my gynecologist.
Time to turn over a new leaf ... With my luck it’ll be poison ivy.
Uhm, excuse me waiter... I`d like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.
Spice up your Facebook experience by making your status updates your google searches.
I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping. Unfortunately it cost me my YMCA membership.