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I wish someone would steal my identity, fix it and and give it back...
We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.
Watching a movie with the girlfriend tonight. Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?
How many facebook friends do you have that if they posted "I`m depressed and on the edge", your first thought would be to poke them?
"Being naked isn`t fun" - said no one ever.
I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he`ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
H&R Block said I won`t get nearly as much back in taxes this year because apparently the neighbors want to claim their own children.
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
I wish my car was fueled by my lack of desire to go to work.
I`d like to give a shoutout to all the people who are going through an identity crisis, you know who you are... I think.
I`m no expert, but I`m pretty sure a lot of economic problems could be solved by extending the McDonald`s breakfast menu back out to 11am.
In retrospect, replying "Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory", probably wasn`t the best way to respond to my therapist.
The guys at Home Depot must take classes to know exactly what I meant by "the little thing next to that one piece with the round thing."
I feel like I`ve passed my "Best If Used By date."