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"Does my uniform make me look fat?" -Insecurity guard
Some people are training as complainers like it is a competitive sport
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I’d say it’s been a success.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Calm down! I`m not officially late until I actually get there.
Enough with procrastination, it’s time for excuses.
I removed my windshield wipers and now I don`t get parking tickets. Suck it meter maids!
If you`ve Liked more than 15 of my posts over the past year, I assume you`re okay with me putting you down as a personal reference on this job application, k?
I once dated a girl with a parrot. The thing was crazy and never shut up! The parrot was cool though.
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of in is.
The guy who named the umbrella meant to call it a brella but he hesitated.
According to new research, too much sex can cause memory loss. Finally, something that explains my ultra detailed photographic memory.
I can’t tell if I’m hungry, but better eat just in case.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I`m in.
Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I`m just cooking!"