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How the hell can Dora call herself an explorer if she only goes to places already on the map?
I should`ve married myself. I`ve never said no to sex. Not once. Not one single time ever.
"How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms
I did not say you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
Half the lies they tell about me aren`t true
Why can`t my coworkers just play on the Internet like normal people instead of trying to engage me in conversation.
30+ and single? There`s an app for that. Wait. My mistake. A cat for that.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, “Yes, we’ve met before.” So they feel awkward trying to remember me.
If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny. If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
The truth is, men put the lids on jars that tight so you’d need us, we’re not that stupid.
Although tequila is highly toxic, it can be used to dissolve the friend zone.
Best grilled cheese ever!! All I did was add a hamburger patty.
Telling people your phone is gonna die, But you really just don’t want to text them.
Car alarms should sound like two chicks in a fight. I`d look out the window for that.
If you think husbands aren`t good listeners, whisper "Come here, I`m naked" from anywhere in the house and see what happens.