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How to find the perfect husband: Play monopoly with him. if he chooses the iron, he`s the one
Nothing like calling off work and watching porn all morning.
I don’t like people who can’t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
Do crabs think we walk sideways?
One of my biggest fears is that my car secretly records me singing.
I have to hand it to people who lead a double life ... I can barely handle the one I have.
I`m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of sh!t, but she broke into someone`s house and just started eating their breakfast.
ATTENTION: Upon further consideration, I am once again pushing back the debut of my summer beach bod. Thank you for your patience.
I want to live in a world where the Food Network delivers.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
I believe in equality. If we have a 5 day week of work, we should have 5 day weekends as well dammit.
Don`t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your `team of writers`
I want you to know that whatever problems you`re having, I`m here to read about it on Facebook
"nice crocs. where did you get them?" - nobody ever
You can get away with farting at the zoo because you can always blame the animals...