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this one time I was in a bush, and this squirrel was like hey, and I was like hey you can`t talk to me your a squirrel and he was like yea I know lmao
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I`m not lazy, I`m in energy saving mode.
Some people are like rain clouds. Once they f*ck off, it`s a beautiful day.
Sex is like pizza, if you`re going to use bbq sauce you better know what the f*ck you`re doing
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children, don’t know very much about children.
I did not steal your drink. You abandoned it and I rescued it.
I will stop loving you, when Spongebob gets his driving license.
When blondes have more fun do they know it?
I`m bored, I think I`ll ask my boyfriend if I look fat. - women
I read Facebook for the pictures.
I just changed my WiFi password to "blowmefirst." I can`t wait for someone to ask me for it!
Actually, when I went to New Orleans, I blacked out too.
Adam Levine beating me out for sexiest man contest is complete bullsh*t.
If I’m ever murdered, I have no doubt that my chalk outline would include my phone in my hand.