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Making an effort in the last of 2014 to cut away distractions so I can spend more time with my iPhone.
Nobody’s phone is ever off. They’re lying.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they look.
Ice cream is clearly God`s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c`mon...even I`ve done THAT!"
there is no strong beer, only weak men
Doing some laundry and hot single socks in my dryer are looking for a mate.
I can`t help but feel important when someone says there`s a special place in hell for people like me.
I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don`t like her new haircut.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
So Stevie Wonder is going to become father to triplets next year. I guess he didn`t see that coming...
keep scrolling I`ve got nothing....
My coffee was so hot this morning it came along with an ugly friend.
If your life ever seems boring just remember that you are on a rock floating in outer space.
If you’re keeping score in your relationship, I promise you, you’re losing.