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I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I`m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I`m temporarily delusional."
Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket, you`re proably not gonna win, but you`re sure as hell gonna try!
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
They should start selling Photoshop CD`s at cosmetic shops.
How come know-it-alls don`t know how annoying they are?
If weed is ever legalized, I can`t wait to see the commercials...
I`m celebrating 1 year of sobriety today ... I think it was 1989 ... Cheers!
Stupidity should be painful...really!!!
If you`ve ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you`ve obviously never been married.
My wife is a perfectionist but she made an exception in my case.
We must STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under!
Basically the whole point of Facebook is so you can see if you’re prettier than your ex’s new girlfriend.
A mosquito landed on my balls... Hardest decision of my life.
When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.
I don`t understand the saying "you snooze you lose"... I hit the snooze button 8 times this morning and feel like a champion.