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Multi-tasking: the art of screwing up everything all at once.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
You know its cold out ......when you go outside..... and it`s cold out
I don`t understand those couples that fight and a minute later change their facebook status to "single." I fight with my parents but you don`t see me change my status to "orphan."
According to my nipples, there is a 99% chance it`s cold as hell right now!
Got tasered at speed dating again.
I`m not necessarily saying that I am or am not a super hero, but I do occasionally stand with my hands on my hips.
I don`t understand why people want a relationship when there`s pizza.
A man who scratches his butt should not bite fingernails!
"That looks interesting. I think I`ll eat it." - Sharks and Toddlers
Try trick or treating in spandex... I`ve seen how much it can hold.
Before bed, my Dad would always say, "OK son, time to hit the sack." Not sure how me punching him in the balls helped him sleep, but hey, that’s my Dad for ya.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment.
I was the only one that cared when Jimmy cracked corn.
Years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times